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natuke nalja vol 33Noor papp oli oma esimese jutluse ajal kirikus nii närvis, et ei suutnud isegi korralikult rääkida. Enne teist jutlust, järgmisel pühapäeval, õpetas peapiiskop, kuidas end lõdvestada. Ta pakkus välja järgmise lahenduse: Valage paar tilka viina klaasitäie vee hulka ja jooge see ära. Siis näete, kuidas pärast paari klaasitäie ärajoomist tunnete end juba palju rahulikumalt. Järgmisel pühapäeval tegi papp nii, kuidas õpetatud oli ja tundis end peatselt tõeliselt lõdvestununa. Jutlus läks kenasti ja kõne suisa voolas. Pärast jutlust leidis papp oma toast kirja peapiiskopilt:
Lugupeetud Isa,
Järgmisel korral valage paar tilka viina klaasi vee hulka - mitte paar tilka vett klaasi viina hulka.
Kirjutan teile mõnedest tähelepanekutest, et samad vead ei korduks järgmisel pühapäeval:
- ei ole mingit vajadust torgata sidrunilõiku kirikuviina karikasse;
- see väike kamber altari kõrval ei ole wc;
- proovige vältida Püha Maarja kujule naaldumist ja eelkõige Tema
kallistamist ja rindade kompimist;
- käskusid on 10, mitte 12;
- see-eest apostleid oli kaksteist mitte seitse ja keegi neist ei olnud Pöialpoiss;
- me ei viita Meie Issandale Jeesusele Kristusele sõnadega "JC & tema boys" ;
- Taavet tappis Koljati kivi ja linguga, mitte ei "retsinud";
- me ei viita Juudasele sõnadega "kuradi persevest";
- ärge nimetage Ristija Johannest "Ristiisaks";
- Bin Ladenil ei ole Jeesuse surmaga midagi pistmist;
- ärge lugege palvet kiriku trepil ja päris kindlasti ei tohi seda teha jalg piibli peal;
- armuleib tuleb jagada armulauast osavõtjatele, see ei ole kirikuviinale pealehammustamiseks;
- kui õhutate inimesi andma vabatahtlikku kümnist, võtke ära silt "kümnis on minu palk";
- patustajad lähevad Põrgusse mitte "hobuse perse";
- Meie Isa palvet tuleb lugeda käed taeva poole, mitte neid lainetuselaadselt lehvitades;
- see oli hea, et kutsusite kirikulised Jumalale tantsima, kuid jenka-rivi ei olnud siiski kõige parem idee.
TÄHTIS! See tüüp, kes istus seal altari nurga juures ja kellest rääkides Te kasutasite sõnu "homo" ja “seelikus transvestiit", olin mina.
Loodan, et need vead on järgmiseks pühapäevaks parandatud.
natuke nalja vol 33I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore
very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had
to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and
asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that
she had feelings and desires for me that she
couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her
sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a
word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my
bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get
me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her
go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then
turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me
and said, "We are very happy that you have passed
our little test. We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car
____________________________
Probleemid algavad kui on liiga palju toredaid mõtteid...
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18.02.2009 at 23:28
natuke nalja vol 33BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR,
DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.
This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina .
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!
(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA
NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS
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19.02.2009 at 11:13
Kalamehed räägivad, et hügieeniside saapas pidi olema väga hea jala kuivas hoidmiseks.
Hetkel ei mäleta kus see oli, kus VIPide turvameestel pidi tampoon ja kondoom koguaeg kaasas olema - kuulihaava lappimiseks.
Ehk see pood on orienteeritud sarnastele sihtgruppidele
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19.02.2009 at 11:55
natuke nalja vol 33Et siis majandussurutise tingimustes müügimees vaatab, et ühel firmal arved juba pikemat aega maksmata. Helistab siis ja küsib, et mis värk on, arved maksmata jne.
No klient siis vastab, et teate, meil on firmas selline süsteem, et arveid maksame ainult üks kord kuus. See näeb siis välja nii, et kogume kõik arved ühte pakki, segame hoolikalt läbi, paneme tagurpidi lauale ja kolm pealmist arvet kuuluvad maksmisele. Ülejäänud jäävad järgmist korda ootama.
Selle peale läheb müügimees hullult närvi, et mis asja, mis kuradi ettevõte see teil selline on, et arveid ei maksa ja pange oma üritus üldse kinni kui hakkame ei saa.
Klient läheb ka närvi: "Vaadake, mulle ei meeldi teie hääletoon ja suhtumine! Kui sama ülbelt edasi käitute siis järgmisel kuul te ei osalegi loosimises!!!"
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19.02.2009 at 15:00
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